Bothersome:

“The less one is aware of the invisible war, the more receptive one is to its ongoing process of demoralization, for the insensate human is vulnerable, malleable and ripe for control.”

-Anton Lavey

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It’s raining like crazy today. Sounds wet and wild out there, all I can hear are cars splashing through the street over and over again. Crazy. Sounds like I’m next to the beach during a storm.

I’m feeling very strange right now. I don’t know what’s wrong. A few minutes ago I was seriously considering going down to the store to pick up a few things, now I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I should lie down for a bit.

When faced with things or situations that don’t make sense, we tend to explain them to ourselves in ways that we can understand. That may involve ignoring certain aspects of what we are trying to understand, simplifying it down to where we find them easily comprehensible. I admit that I don’t understand what is going on. From where I’m standing what they are doing to me is plainly wrong and immoral, but morality and law are two different things. Morality is simple, what is unfair or harmful to society is wrong, but that has too many subjective aspects to make universal sense of. Law is basically a word game.

Slander is wrong. Spreading stories or pictures of someone that prejudices the public against an individual affects his ability to follow his livelihood and provide for himself so he becomes a burden to his family or society at large, so it is simply wrong to broadcast incendiary stories about someone whether or not they are true, especially if the individual was never legally convicted or even charged with anything, but, like I said, law is a self referential word game. Since celebrities are already famous we are expected to talk about them, so it is difficult for celebrities to sue for things like defamation of character. Besides, most celebrities are paid very generously so it’s not very likely they would suffer undue financial hardship just because of a few unflattering rumors. Of course, if a person was incidentally mentioned in the media over the course of a few years and became a sort of celebrity because of it then that person’s name could, I would imagine, be considered part of the public domain, then, possibly,  it could be argued that he is fair game for gossip and scandalmongers, despite the fact it would be morally wrong since this person has to get by the same as anybody else since he derives no financial advantage from being well known. It may be legal to say derogatory things about him over the airwaves, but clearly it is immoral. In a normal society this person would have been made aware that people were broadcasting lurid rumors and stories about him and he’d be able to confront his detractors, but I am deprived of the right to confront these sleazy slanderers because apparently the public has been hypnotized by the media to keep it a sort of sick secret. Again, I admit, I don’t know what the hell is going on so I am trying to make sense of it, but I’ll be honest here, none of this makes a lick of sense to me. I feel like the main character in a contemporary Philip K. Dick novel, it’s positively surreal. What seems to be happening is like nothing I’ve even heard of before. I have always gotten the strangest looks from people, even when I fly to the other side of the continent or when I leave the country entirely. The people who don’t stare at me open mouthed usually just tense up and stare straight ahead, pointedly trying to ignore me. Then there was that flap back in ’07 when everybody thought I was through, I guess they all thought I was going to prison or something,  and I got the strangest emails from all over the world. Based on things like this that I have been noticing all my life it would appear that I am world famous. I admit I find that very hard to believe, but all the evidence points to it, but what’s really hard to believe is that I could be as famous as all that yet still be allowed to wallow in such abysmal poverty. Granted, it’s the first world version of poverty, so at least I’m comfortable and eat regularly, but considering what a huge celebrity I am it seems criminal to me that I’m not allowed any luxuries at all. The reason I see it as criminal to deny me any form of extravagance is because I know that I am being used to make a great deal of money and the ones who are using me to make all that money are themselves living very well.

When I say I’ve always known on an intuitive level that I was in the spotlight and that I’ve always been putting on an act that is not meant to be any kind of apology for anything my character has said or done. I don’t owe any of you any kind of apology. Since when does the person being spied on owe an apology to those who are invading his privacy? If anyone owes anyone an apology here clearly it’s all you who should be requesting my forgiveness. As for any of the things I’ve said that may have offended any of you all I have to say is eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves.

To just give you a quick example of how demented these people are they have been calling me weird” since the 70’s and constantly go on about how odd they think I am. I suppose they’re too stupid to remember that it was they themselves who, back when I was in grade school, ensured that my life would be both bizarre and unique since it has been reduced to a fucking TV show. Stuff like that is typical of these idiots. Their heads have been lost up their own asses for quite some time. They are obviously not very introspective and do an awful lot of projecting.

Anyway, I’m not naive or totally stupid so I don’t expect to be treated fairly by these people when their retarded game finally comes to an end. I’ve been living as a prisoner in my own home for years now and I don’t expect that to change just because this charade finally comes to an end.

For the past few days I’ve been feeling anxious and depressed. This has been happening to me recently. It’s unusual for me. I don’t talk about this aspect of it much because I know most people don’t believe in this sort of thing but I think they may be hexing me more than usual. These people are Satanists after all, it’s what they do. In case you can’t tell from the overall tone of the show they use me in these people don’t like me very much. Their big plan to do me in has failed, but I still don’t feel safe. Now I’m worried more than ever. I can no longer hear their show so I don’t know what they’re saying now, but they seem to finally be leaving me alone. For a long time after I first moved up here people were constantly bugging me trying to sell me drugs but they stopped that some time ago. I worry they may be cooking up a different scheme now. I can’t imagine they’d abandon an effort over 30 years in the making just because their plan ultimately fell flat, no one just walks away from 35 years worth of work like it never even happened. They haven’t changed their minds about me, in fact I’m sure they hate me more than ever now. Naturally I’m concerned.

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