“A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness”
-Daniel J. Boorstin
I’m not feeling so peppy and perky right now, but I’ll try and type out a post anyway. This will be my last one for a while, I’ll just periodically append updates to the bottom of it from time to time until I decide to make an entirely new post.
I didn’t get to bed till nearly 4am last night, even then I had trouble going to sleep. I could have stayed up much later but I didn’t want to be in bed all day today. Seems that was a needless concern since I popped wide awake at a little after nine this morning. Woke up with a nosebleed. I have no idea why. It’s fucking raining like crazy AGAIN. It’s been raining a hell of a lot lately. I worry because we were having heavy rains the year I first moved in here and the sinks all backed up and all my dishes and toiletries were befouled with raw sewage. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with this place, I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of anything like that happening before. I’d not be surprised if there wasn’t black magic behind it. Since my recent discovery that the Church of Satan has been heavily involved in this show I’ve been thinking about curses and hexes a LOT and I’m starting to think a lot of my problems, which seem to be beyond the abilities of modern medicine and science to remedy, may have occult origins. I’ll spare you all my speculations on all that though as I have plenty of other things to discuss and speculate about for the time being.
Of course the whole purpose of the show was to make a fool of me, and not just in the usual ‘candid camera’ way. They showed my life as a mess and of course everyone is supposed to think that this was entirely of my own doing. Naturally they don’t advertise the fact that they’ve had me surrounded by their own people for at least 35 years and have been sneaking around behind the scenes sabotaging things for me the entire time. Also people shouldn’t need to be told that if there is a show about you on television which is constantly slandering you that that will profoundly affect both your job and social prospects. I’ve been learning a lot about my life lately and one thing I’ve found is there haven’t been any accidents or coincidences involved, or at least damned few. I miss the days I could think back over my life and just see a bunch of random events, now everything seems to have been part of an ongoing conspiracy.
Anyway, any reasonably intelligent person should laugh at how these clowns use their crappy ‘reality show’ trying to show how morally flawed I supposedly am. I mean, look at exactly what they are doing, they’ve been using me all my life, getting rich at my expense. Bad enough they don’t share any of the money they make off my artwork and writings with me, they add insult to injury by slandering and insulting me on the airwaves even as they are robbing me.
I mean, come on, this show is all about me, they use me as the central character. I should have some say concerning what goes on in it and how I’m presented. As it is they’ve never even asked my permission to feature me in this thing. It’s only thanks to a series of accidents that I know about it at all. These people definitely have a unique way of doing business, in fact, not only is this project highly immoral, everything about this thing is just flat out illegal. I’ve no doubt they are snowing the public by claiming all the money they make goes to some charitable cause (I strongly suspect that Oakland Children’s Hospital is reportedly the primary recipient), but talk like that is just window dressing to placate the public. If you know anything about charities and nonprofits you know what a big scam they are. They pay for their own six figure salaries along with all the perks they were sure to give themselves (paid vacations, full medical and dental coverage, ostentatious offices, company cars and fully paid travel expenses are some of the most common ones) before they even think of giving any of that money to the “needy”. What’s really ironic is that in order to have generated all that money for these ‘needy’ they have created one very needy person. I should by all rights be doing very well for myself right now but their lifelong exploitation of me and everything I have done has ground me down into poverty and dependency over the years. These people not only have a very unique way of doing business, they also have a very unusual sense of morality. One almost suspects that the only people they really care about and desire to help are themselves and themselves alone.
These people have taken everything they could that’s of any worth away from me and used it to generate riches for themselves leaving me with nothing. My youth, gone. All the things I never got to do, gone forever. All those years of my life, gone, and (I assume) the only compensation I can expect is a little of the money they’ve made off of me but if so they are sure taking their own sweet time giving it to me. They are waiting until I have at least one foot in the grave no doubt. Who knows, if they keep me waiting long enough they might just get lucky and not have to deal with me at all because I’ll be gone entirely!
Let’s take a closer look at how some of this works, shall we? One motif of this production that has been going on since the mid eighties is their using employees of theirs who were pretending to be friends of mine to get me involved with hard drugs. Of course I’m always on TV so everything I do is publicised. If I develop a habit, everybody knows about it. Of course my enemies use this information to make even yet more problems for me, while my supposed ‘friends’ are afraid to try and help me from fear that they may inadvertently give the whole game away if they seem to know too much about my private life, so all around, no matter how you look at it this whole setup is a lose/lose situation for me.
I’ve always been open to trying new things, and these people, of course, always knew this. When I was younger I was never particularly prone to addiction, but as I got older and the compound effects of being featured on this derogatory show for years and years and years started taking their toll on my life and I was finding less and less joy and fulfillment because of my ever diminishing opportunities, naturally it began getting easier and easier to find excuses to get and stay high. If your life sucks bad enough you may find yourself reluctant to come home after vacation. Anyway, that’s all in the past now. Once I figured out what they have been doing I made the decision to stay away from all that stuff. It’s been a few years now and I’m glad I did, life is much easier now. You have no idea how much that nonsense complicates things until you stop it entirely.
Not only is her television show project as immoral as hell, Dana K. Brownfield is probably the most immoral person on earth so I suppose it’s only fitting that she inherited the project. After she kicked me out without warning back in ’07 she had to deal with all my stuff. Believe me, this was no hardship for her since she helped herself most generously to all my belongings afterwards. Of course she didn’t want all my things for herself, for instance I had a big executive style desk in my room that I used for drawing. Needless to say it was an expensive item. She didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do with it and one day when I came by I saw that she had sawed it into little pieces and left it out for the trash. I also had an old Macintosh computer. She asked me if she could have it, I said I’d rather keep it since I still had files on it. Well, it’s disappeared since then so she obviously didn’t care and just took it and did whatever the fuck it was she wanted to do with it anyway.
Actually I shouldn’t keep saying that she kicked me out suddenly with absolutely no warning, she did let me stay an extra night so she could steal my drivers license out of my wallet while I was sleeping since she knew I’d have to be living in my car. She told me some bullshit about her having a problem with who she said she was going to pay to store my stuff so I could stay an extra night. I know, that doesn’t really make any sense but I had nowhere to go anyway so I didn’t ask too many questions. Anyway her stories were all bullshit since she hung on to all my things so she could pick through them all at her leisure and help herself to whatever caught her fancy. Much of it she used to give away to the various people in her employ who she had posing as my friends so they could both spy on me and try to get me into situations that could be used on the show. Of course all those people had nothing to do with me once she kicked me out since at that point their job was officially over. Anyway I had a good deal of stuff when she kicked me out, but when I finally got it all back there was hardly anything left and most of what she returned was just stuff I was literally in the process of throwing out when she surprised me with the eviction. Anything that I had that was any good at all had long ago been abstracted by that slime ball cunt Brownfield (may she rot in hell).
Anyway, that’s all old news now. A lot has happened in the intervening eleven years, and as surprised as I’m sure they are that I was able to get myself together and pull myself out of the pit they were burying me in I’m twice as surprised by their own foolishness. Because it never occurred to them that I was strong enough to get back on my feet they have allowed themselves to get carried away and cross too many lines, especially on that little show of theirs. These are mistakes they may regret yet. Even children know the folly of counting one’s chickens before they hatch, but, same as many famous failures throughout history, their own arrogance was their greatest undoing. As for now, all I need to do is pass the inspection scheduled for this Friday and it will be smooth sailing for me for at least another year. I still have concerns though, when I think of all the slimy, underhanded sneaky stuff they did to get me in the sad condition I was before I finally saw the light I know that now they will be capable of a hundred times more treachery and perfidy because they feel their backs are up against the wall.
I just woke up from a bad dream. It’s a dream I keep having over and over again. I’m at a job, can’t remember what, and they are trying to teach me how to do something, but I just can’t do it. I keep forgetting stuff, losing track of things, getting mentally lost and confused, and it’s becoming increasingly obvious to me that I just can’t do it. They keep trying to train me, but I know it’s impossible and that I’m just not smart enough to do whatever it is that they want me to do and that I’ll just never learn. It’s a very depressing and discouraging dream.
The thing is I keep having it over and over again. It’s been years now that I’ve been having it, I can’t even remember when it started. It’s like it’s being used to discourage me and leave a bad impression on me. No one’s trying to teach me anything difficult in my life, in fact I have very little contact or interaction with anyone at all anyway, so why would I even be having a dream like this, and over and over and over again like I am?
They have been trying to get rid of me for years and are clearly angry that I’m still here and stubbornly refuse to die. I wasn’t supposed to survive this long. They thought they had me right where they wanted me after they managed to get me mixed up with all those hard drugs. They never foresaw that I had the willpower to shrug their monkey off my back. Now I can expect them to throw everything they have at me nonstop hoping to get rid of me. It doesn’t matter that I have no intention of extracting any kind of revenge for everything they’ve done to me, they can’t abide by even the idea of potential retaliation. Well, I’ve already proven to be much stronger than they thought I was, and I am infinitely stronger yet still! I’m amazed that I have lasted against such odds for as long as I have so I’ll be damned if I’m going to quit now!I don’t like thinking that my life is controlled by unseen forces operating outside my awareness. I much rather prefer having complete control over my own destiny, but it’s obvious that I don’t. I have to fight back against these invisible forces trying to close in on me and crush me out of existence. This has been going on for a good many years now. Eventually it lead to getting me involved with the seedier side of life. I was trapped in the drug world for years and it got to the point where I was tangled up in it pretty thoroughly because I just didn’t have anything else. I got to like the feeling of being fortified with drugs better than anything else I had ever experienced, but I could see that the habit was progressing with the certainty of a geometric equation and I could plainly see that it was inevitable that I’d be completely consumed by it in a very short time. Naturally I was eager to extricate myself from this process before it was too late. While trying to do what I felt I had to do to accomplish this I quickly learned that this entire community was doing everything it could to prevent my successfully doing that. Beyond doing physical things to encourage my habit, like refusing to bust me and going out of their way to make me feel unwelcome at 12 step meetings I was disturbed to discover that they were also doing a lot of more, shall we say, esoteric stuff. As soon as I realised that I didn’t want to keep using drugs, but rather it was the asshole communities of San Francisco and Berkeley that were imposing their will on me by every means available to them, then I was able to finally turn my back on the whole thing with relative ease.
The “asshole communitie of San Francisco and Berkeley” has many layers beyond their radical and often suicidal politics, there is also a lot of occult activity there. I didn’t even have to bother learning about magick, Satanism, the occult or any of that lame bullshit either to put a stop to it because it all just boils down to a duel of wills anyway. Now I strongly suspect that getting me to destroy myself with drugs was only one of several spells they are using on me and I plan on dissolving all those the same way I dissolved the drug one. For instance, based on how my behavior has been changing during the past few years I think it’s obvious they are now using a spell to increase entropy in my life. Before, by encouraging my drug use they were attempting to tear me apart using chaos, since that didn’t work they have since decided to try pushing me in the opposite direction. You can see they’re no more imaginative or creative in their uses of the occult than they are with the media. It is more evidence of God’s love for me that he has given me such drooling imbeciles for enemies. Praise the Lord and thank you Jesus!
Remember, these Satanists are among those that tell you black magic is all nonsense and that it can’t harm you as long as you don’t believe in it. Of course they have an ulterior motive for that. If you don’t believe in it, or, better yet, don’t even know about it, you are powerless to defend yourself from it. So, as usual, it’s always good policy to do the exact opposite of what your enemies tell you to do!
Usually it’s exceptionally quiet around here. No one comes to my door, the phone hardly ever rings, and aside from the muffled traffic sounds from the street outside my bedroom window there isn’t even much background noise. Unfortunately today was an exception. Last night I suddenly popped wide awake at something like 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Of course this started catching up with me later on so I’ve been trying to catch up on my lost sleep during the course of the day. Yeah, “trying”. The phone has been ringing off the hook and people have been pounding on my door like crazy today, and all except one was people dialing wrong numbers or getting the apartment number wrong and such. I used to turn the ringer off on the phone, but since hardly anyone calls anymore I decided to stop doing that. I may have to start taking that precaution again.
Anyway, I really don’t like writing about all this occult and magick stuff. Mostly because I know most people don’t believe in it and will think I’m nuts when they see me yammering on about it. Funny thing is that not even six months ago I thought the same as those who dismiss me as a delusional nutjob do today. I too thought the whole deal with magick and witchcraft was just a bunch of superstitious nonsense. Also, it was only a few short years ago that I was afraid to talk about the TV show and all that because I was also worried people would think I was crazy. Now I know that nearly everyone knows about it anyway so I feel free to discuss it all I want. I’m sure there are a good many people who don’t know anything about it and may be concerned that I could be delusional when they see me going on about it at length the way I do sometimes, but most of the people telling me I’m nuts are actually in on it. They’d like me to keep it all to myself, bottled up inside where it could tear away at my insides and torment me. Well, I don’t worry about what people think, much less what people pretend to think. Where am I supposed to talk about it anyway? In a therapist’s office so it could be broadcast as part of their cornball show? Fuck you.
The media has been working hard since its inception to make us all worldly and materialistic and over the years they’ve succeeded admirably. Sure, we like to be scared by ghost stories and tales of Bigfoot encounters deep in the woods, and TV shows and movies about vampires and werewolves don’t only entertain us on Halloween anymore, they are a year long thing and have an almost cult following. Books on witchcraft, the occult and psychic phenomenon always sell tolerably well, and there are even communities of self proclaimed witches in every major city, just as there are chapters of the Church of Satan peppered all over the globe, but still it has become almost a part of our culture and the mark of intelligent and educated people to laugh at and joke about religion and spirituality. Oddly though, the dark side of the unknown is taken a bit more seriously than the positive side these days, but although we are told to always keep an open mind about occult phenomenon the official word is that it is all just a matter of mind control and if you don’t believe in it it can’t hurt you. Although I agree that there is a great deal of psychology involved I can’t deny the reality of a very strong spiritual element in it as well. I have come to believe people not only can be, but are controlled through the manipulation of invisible forces. Although these Satanists and witches put a lot of faith in their ceremonies and rituals I’m convinced that the majority of the work is performed by visualization and the strength of the human will alone. When you look at the popular media you’ll notice much of it focuses on humiliating and vilifying certain groups. This is done to wear down their will so that they will be more ineffective should they try to fight back. I admit I don’t know very much about any of this because I’m wary of investigating it too closely. I guess I’m afraid I may be seduced by it. Actually I’m not even sure that would be possible. Despite the impression I’m sure that damned show has been promoting concerning me, I absolutely abhor dark and evil things. Sure, I occasionally enjoy reading about such things as entertainment, but I can honestly say I’ve never done evil to a fellow creature. Sure, I’ve made mistakes like everyone else and have occasionally used bad judgement while lost in a fit of passion, but I’ve never done anything with the calculated purpose of fucking someone up. I don’t even experience a powerful lust for revenge unless I’m maliciously provoked, and even then it’s very fleeting. You may laugh, especially if you grew up watching their garbagy show ostensibly about me, but I sincerely believe that I am a genuinely good person. Maybe this is the reason why they have been trying to destroy me since I was nine years old. I think it explains their absolute obsession with constantly slandering me and leading me astray and into trouble. They certainly have a history of getting me involved with drugs, loose women and perversions of all sorts, getting me to both do and say ‘controversial’ things. It’s all very strange and confusing. I admit that I scarcely understand any of what’s going on, but do know that whatever it is it’s much, much larger than me, or even me and all my enemies combined.
March 22nd, 2018
As you know, I was able to hear this show for years and I think what disturbed me the most was it’s unnecessary viciousness. This tone obviously originates from Dana Brownfield herself, who has been in charge of this show for at least 20 years now. Underneath she’s a very angry person, a bit unbalanced mentally and also a bit of a sociopath. Why she’s so fixated on fucking me up I can’t say, I’ve never done anything to her to warrant such a reaction, I can only imagine she’s a bit of a sadist and will opportunistically torment anyone if she sees an opportunity to get away with it. All these really unnecessarily nasty things they say about me and accuse me of on that show are basically her trying to justify the sadistic fixation she seems to have developed for me. In reality she has no excuse for her outrageous, over the top behavior aside from her own psychosis. She needs help but instead of seeking the therapy she needs she chooses instead to take out all her anger on some random, innocent guy who’s only trying to stay alive as painlessly as possible, just because she can.
^A small example of the war currently being waged against reality.