Presently I’m reading a book by Philip K. Dick that he was never able to publish during his lifetime, “Voices From the Street”. I think it was finally published in 2007. I’m not sure if it was his very first book, but it was definitely an early effort, written, I believe, in 1952 when he was in his early 20’s. P.K.D. died in the early 80’s when he was in his early 50’s. All his previous amphetamine abuse apparently caught up to him all at once and he had some kind of massive aneurysm and just dropped dead. Certainly not the worst way to go. I’d much rather prefer that to wasting away with a slowly progressive illness. The only serious drawback I can see is if one doesn’t have all one’s’ earthly affairs in order when the time comes.
I was about 74 pages into this book when I realized I had read it before, must have been ten years ago. When I was living in the welfare building with all those losers I entertained myself by trying to read my way through the entire Oakland library. It was very difficult because those morons were very noisy. I often left and hopped on the Bart train and just rode around all day reading, then I’d get off one stop away from where I got on and only had to pay about a buck. Anyway, since it had been ten years since I read it I’d forgotten nearly all of it, but of course certain passages and subplots stuck with me and I finally recognised enough of them that I was able to determine that I’d already read that very book, but since I’d forgotten most of it I just kept reading it anyway. I’m about halfway through now.
I often find myself profoundly humbled by the early efforts of certain artists, writers in particular these days, since I’ve put down my pens and brushes for the time being. Fitzgerald wrote his “This Side of Paradise” in 1919 when he was 23. Hunter S. Thompson wrote his “Rum Diary” in the late 50’s when he was around the same age, possibly younger, and I think that it was his best book. He had a very hard time getting it published though and I don’t believe it wasn’t until years later, after he became famous for his “gonzo journalism”, that it finally saw print. It was certainly his most structured work. His work is generally very chaotic and I guess you’d call it “humorous”. Biting satire that puts me in mind of many of the Warner Brothers cartoons I grew up watching on Saturday mornings. I enjoy his style, although I admittedly find it very tedious reading him constantly alternating between bitching about Nixon and kissing Muhammad Ali’s ass. His retarded (and disingenuous) politics are made almost palatable dressed up as they are in animated, surrealist feux-drug imagery and aesthetics. Actually I’d not have classed him among serious writers like I did just now were it not for his “Rum Diary” since that one proved to me that he at least had the potential. Unfortunate for literature though that he chose not to follow art but the money instead. Well, considering he came from money that shouldn’t surprise us. People who are born rich usually have materialism in their blood.
I’m pretty envious of others’ creativity, those who impress me at least. I hope that once all this stupid TV crap is over and I’m compensated that I won’t feel repressed anymore and I’ll once more feel more free to express myself. I’ve told you before that I’ve always wanted to study oil painting. One day when I can afford it I want to find out who the best teacher is and study under him. It’s always been my biggest regret that I never served an apprenticeship under a real artist when I was younger. I’m not even sure such things are done anymore though. Even if they were my blue collar family would have been totally clueless about it. Anyway, despite everything I can still draw, basically. I mean, I can still copy stuff by eye pretty accurately, I just don’t feel like making pictures anymore these days. I know I’d feel better about myself if I could occasionally create something I can feel proud of like I used to. Maybe after my apartment is all set up and taken care of I may try applying myself to a project and see how I do. If I look through my old sketchbooks I know I’ll find some ideas I can get excited about. Maybe I can even find some old picture I started like twenty years ago and finish it. That would get me back in the groove and going again.
I hope I’ve not much longer to wait until they pay me for all the suffering they’ve been putting me through all these years. I looked at myself in the mirror a little while ago and I can see that I’m starting to look a little old. Those bastards have stolen the best years of my life from me. The situation with these media people reminds me of those old cartoons. Some guy will be sitting at a table and they bring out a whole turkey on a platter with all the trimmings, then a bunch of mice jump on it and after they jump off theres nothing there but a skeleton and the poor guy is left with nothing to eat. That’s the perfect analogy for what these pricks have done with my life.
Once I found out they’d been making this show about me since the 70’s and that I’d likely be paid at some point I stopped doing anything that could negatively affect my health. I’m determined to live long enough to get my money. I even cut out sugar and caffeine for a bit until rather recently, but I decided I had to have something and reneged on that part of my pledge. These clowns need to stop procrastinating and pay me already. This series is officially over now anyway. Nobody but an absolute weirdo enjoys voyeuristically spying on a middle aged man, so come on, just stop it. Since the jackals behind this show have used it to completely flatten my life and have literally taken everything from me I have become understandably fixated on being paid for services rendered. That’s another immoral thing about all the secrecy surrounding this show, I am unable to make sure my rights are observed and not violated, and as a result I haven’t been shown any respect at all by these visionless, bottom feeding hacks. Since my payday will be their judgement day it makes sense that they’d like to postpone those dates for as long as they can. I’m sure their not quite so secret fantasy is to put them off long enough so that I won’t be around to see either of them and only they themselves will remain to tell the tale. Don’t worry though, I’m doing everything I can to make sure I stay here as long as possible and that the world gets the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth by gum!
Of course, “collecting my dues” isn’t my only motivation for cleaning my act up. Like I recently said, my finding out that I wasn’t exercising my own will, but that of my enemies when I was putting all that poison into my body was a life changing epiphany for me. Since I hate those leperous hypocrites more than anything that made it very easy for me to completely quit. The truth really does have the power to set one free. Considering that it should be easy to understand why those media assholes have been so consumed with their obsession that I not learn anything at all about how they have been exploiting me for the past 44 years.
I couldn’t remember any dreams when I woke up today, but I’ve been getting flashbacks from them now and then. No clear recollections but good impressions, very positive stuff about creating and building. I sense positive change in the environment. It’s very exciting although I’m not sure if it portends something for me specifically or whether it’s just the fact that Spring is in the air.
Well, I just finished the PKD book. I don’t understand why Stuart’s boss felt guilty about his meltdown. If anything he only tried to help him by giving him an opportunity to better himself despite suspecting he was a nutjob all along. I’d forgotten how subversive that book was, especially considering when it was written. All his books are subversive though. The only reason I read them was because the way his characters always found themselves in bizarre situations that made them question their very reality resonated with me. I was very familiar with that disoriented sensation, especially after decades of coexisting with that covert show always blaring away in the background playing head games with me.
That’s all for now. I just wanted to make a quick post since it’s been a while. I’ll add more to this one occasionally for the next week or so. Bye!
(Sad that these people are enjoying such a pleasant retirement but there won’t be anything like that available to their own grandchildren. We’ve made some very poor decisions since then and the world is literally falling apart. This is especially true in Britain where this was filmed)