You know, it’s very strange, but I often wake up shortly before my phone starts to ring, and I’ve had premonitions of family or domestic disasters that had shortly come to pass. For years and years I had a strange idea that I was on television and always made a point of putting on an act and trying to be as entertaining, or at least as amusing or interesting as I could, even while in “private” (I actually have no privacy). Is a delusion still a delusion when it turns out to coincide with something that is actually going on?
After I finally heard the show for myself and confirmed all my worst suspicions I felt that perhaps many people who had gotten me involved in mischief had been motivated by seeing the show to try and mess me up, but later I came to find that most of them, possibly all of them, were directly employed by Dana Brownfield or the show for that very purpose. This is how Dana, and whoever had the job before her, exercised their jobs as the show’s directors. Would be nice if those TV people at least once in a while mentioned how they have been intentionally fucking up my life for the past 44 years, but obviously they prefer keeping their methods secret. The purpose of this whole thing would appear to be making me into the type of person they feel threatened by, showing me in the most unfavorable light possible, humiliating me, then sacrificing me on television by getting me to die by my own hand. Well, that last part disturbs me considerably, but fortunately it depends on my cooperation so, naturally, I refuse to provide it. They really are deplorable people. They used me like a resource and tried to squeeze as much money as they could out of me (and you’re a fool if you actually believe most of it goes to “charity”), and once they had finished they tried to throw me out like an empty cereal box or milk carton.
Another very disappointing and annoying aspect to this whole thing is the naive trust people seem to have in this staged production. People, how many times do I have to tell you, TV ISN’T FUCKING REAL! I’ll never forget how shocked and dismayed everyone was when the charge that I had been defrauding the government had been dismissed. People had been waiting ‘with baited breath’ for me to get busted and sent to prison over that for years. Some of my social workers stopped taking my calls after I was cleared and my psychiatrist, Dr. Tower, was livid and refused to see me anymore because he was so disappointed to have been “robbed” of what he felt was the privilege of testifying against me. No surprises there, after all he was allowing SF Commons to broadcast my sessions on that show, so you can see what his ethics were. I’m amazed that it never occurred to any of these idiots that the people behind this show have a vendetta to destroy me. Apparently they believe that show is some kind of ace journalism and that it’s the government that doesn’t know what it’s doing and has no idea where it’s money is going. Damn, I mean, I know people are fucking stupid but that’s unbelievable. Anyway, if that fucking retarded show was so totally wrong about something as important as that you must be class “A” dunderheads to believe anything else they say. I mean, between the outright lies, unfair insinuations as well as all the behind the scenes finagling going on I don’t understand how any reasonably intelligent person can trust it worth a damn. At least I guess I can be proud that I am the one on TV rather than one of the countless morons who watch that crap.
Of course a constant thread throughout my life has been their working behind the scenes to get me hooked on drugs. These people are poisoners, they poison your mind and they will even literally poison your body if they can.
Also, this show’s info about me is also out of date, what little of it that was ever correct at all. Sure, I used to get angry a lot and I guess I had a bad temper, but that’s not an issue anymore Learning the reality of the show has explained everything to me so I no longer find it quite as perplexing. Of course you’re going to get pissed if you don’t know why everything you try to do fails, why people are constantly fucking with you all the time or why everything you do eventually gets sabotaged. Of course this show is nothing short of a criminal act, a violent assault on both me and every plan I’ve ever made, but they have complete control over the narrative since it’s impossible for me to directly respond to anything they say. This is another way they use the media, they silence all opposition simply by not giving them a voice, or creating a false voice for them like they do for me on that show. They are very manipulative and irresponsible and really shouldn’t be working in media at all.
I used to live in a building full of stupid people who religiously watched that lame show so I was able to hear episodes of it for myself. Admittedly that was nearly seven years ago so my impressions may be out of date, but I remember the overall tenor of the show as being excessively cruel and demeaning, they had a lot of liars on there making up provocative stories about me, of course since everybody I personally knew worked for the show I recognised a lot of them and it suddenly became clear why everyone was always encouraging me to do dumb and weird stuff. What I found most annoying about the show was how they frequently played creepy sounding music in the background. They also like to play that eerie, almost nauseating synthesizer music, the same kind they used to use on nature documentaries whenever they’d show footage of maggots writhing all over a rotting dog or something else unsettling, over what I think was footage of me. That’s my best guess as to what was going on, remember that I could only hear it, not see it, but since I often heard my own voice under those sounds I think that’s a good guess as to what they were doing. That’s not journalism, that’s not honest reporting. This show is nothing but propaganda and deliberate slander.
Anyway, some of the out of date information that I learned that stuck with me was that my favorite author was Poe. Maybe it was when I was 15 or 16, but naturally who my favorite author is is something that seems to constantly change. One thing I will say about Poe though, I grew up hearing he was a drug addict and that he was insane. Living under that evil show as I have for over four decades I have learned to be very wary of gossip and slander and I believe none of that rubbish. He was primarily a literary critic, and an unapologetically honest one at that, and he also seems to have had a bit of a drinking problem. He tended to be viciously “honest” when he was in his cups. Naturally he made a lot of enemies. Some were very rich and powerful, or at least well connected, so of course they did their best to sully his reputation. Believe me, the world hasn’t changed much in the past 170 years. As to who I favor now, my head is presently swimming in a sea of names, both popular and obscure so it’s difficult to say which one occupies the supreme position in my mind right now, but presently I’m reading, “No Name” by Wilkie Collins and I’m finding it very impressive even though it basically reads like a Victorian soup opera, but a very engrossing soap opera. I admit I’m already predisposed to that sort of thing so I’m really enjoying it.
I was recently into F. Scott Fitzgerald for a bit and I even occasionally indulge in what may be considered trashy hack writers like Norman Spinrad. I also read a lot of nonfiction, for instance I was recently studying the Irish Potato famine and read a few books on that. After the Collins book I was thinking of reading ‘The Complete Short Stories of H.P. Lovecraft’. I’ve had the book for a few years but I kept putting off reading it because I thought it would be a special treat, but now I’m determined to get it out of the way. It would be a shame if I had it for years then something happened to it before I got around to reading it. Another reason I’ve not yet read it is because I’m not so crazy about short stories anymore. I used to love them when I was younger, now I prefer longer works I can submerge myself in. This is funny because so far I’m only able to write short pieces and I don’t think I could write a book. Perhaps I will some day, when all this show crap is finally over. (Actually, now that I think of it I’m willing to decare Sir Walter Scott as my all time favorite writer. But be warned, my opinion is more than likely to change at any time)
Another thing I remember was them going on about my supposed fondness for the Beatles. LOL! Yeah, when I was back in Jr. High school maybe. Now that I have a better understanding of the world I can’t say I like them very much at all. They were a tool used by the people who secretly run the world to warp the minds of the young. In fact that’s what all media is. Even though I’m aware of this I can see how their toxic garbage seeps into my own subconscious simply by being exposed to it so I consciously avoid TV, movies and pop music as much as possible these days. I’m determined that all my thoughts and ideas should be based on sound reasoning and personal observation and not the result of being emotionally manipulated by some make believe stuff I saw on a screen or heard in a song. I confess I watch old movies and television on YouTube, but I’m very careful not to let them have any effect on my thinking. I do listen to classical music occasionally, and before I totally woke up to what is going on I listened to a lot of Tom Waits and Butthole Surfers (a very unfortunate name) and a little of this, that and the other thing too, mostly while I was drawing. I used to always get high before drawing. Of course the constant psychological pressure I was living under because of that show led to my using progressively harder and harder drugs. The show’s agents made this even easier for me by introducing me to these habits and even providing me with the drugs themselves on occasion, for a price, of course. Once I finally saw their conspiracy I quit altogether, and I had to do it entirely alone since the community of the bay area refused to assist me and were even very rude about it. The good news is I’m completely off drugs, and since I figured that any job worth doing is worth doing right I also quit drinking and smoking while I was at it. That’s good news, but an unfortunate side effect is that I no longer draw or paint. There was a theory in the 50’s, not sure if it has been since revised or not, but it claimed that if you learned something high or drunk you needed to be high or drunk to best recall it. This may be one of the reasons why I need to be high to draw. Since I used to draw for hours at a stretch I taught myself a great deal, so naturally if I got high I’d be drawing up a storm, but if I can’t learn to draw sober I just won’t draw at all. Never made any fucking money off of it anyway because of that damned show.
This media project was destined from the start to degenerate into a morass of compounded difficulties for me that would eventually render my life unmanageable. Those media bastards knew exactly what they were doing. Had I not decided to drop out of society completely there’s no telling how I might have ended up. Dead, in prison or a madhouse would seem to be among the most likely outcomes, so I sincerely believe I made the only intelligent choice available to me considering which direction things were headed. They were pushing all the public’s buttons so it was very unpleasant for me to interact with most people. They really left me no other choice.
These people rudely and selfishly helped themselves to everything they could get out of me, even stooping so low as to steal my actual artwork from me, along with everything I’ve said, done or written, and twisted it to their own nefarious purposes, and to date they haven’t compensated me with so much as a penny. They greedily take and take while never paying me a thing while I’m forced to live on the government’s generosity. Believe me, I often have a hard time believing that that laughing imbecile Dana Brownfield and all her cohorts, though they all appear on the surface as good natured idiots, are as vile and evil as they have proven themselves to be. I know how diligently they have been working through the years behind the scenes to get me involved with all manner of vice trying to make me more closely resemble how they present me on their moronic show as they simultaneously slander and insult me mercilessly over the airwaves causing me untold misery and suffering through the years. As hard as it may be for me to believe it I know it’s true. I’m not stupid and I have uncovered many of their schemes. It’s the only reason I’m still around.