“The only successful suicide is a failed suicide”
– Christian Bobin
I can not believe they have been getting away with doing this to me all these years. It’s blatantly illegal, unconstitutional in fact, not that any of the nut bags around here give so much as a flying fuck about anybody’s rights. And how is what they are doing any kind of responsible use of media anyway? What is the point misusing the airwaves to pick on some lone guy, especially after they’ve already cost him his livelihood and all his friends? What are they hoping to prove by constantly setting him up and messing him up like they do? I know they’ve also been working hard to make him into the sort of character who they want people to think “deserves it”, but does that really make any of this right? If we stop respecting people’s rights as a matter of course then we are truly sliding down a most treacherous slippery slope. Any mature, thinking and reasonable person can see how childish this whole thing is, as well as what an unbridled nightmare its been for me, and I find it interesting that no one seems concerned with how ill it bodes for our collective future that something like this has been allowed to go on. I’m sure these criminal programmers would likely respond to this with something like, “Hey, we never said this show was a public service message or anything like that, it’s just entertainment, something to amuse people, so please don’t try and read too much into it, okay?”. Well, then I’d ask them what is so entertaining about using spy technology and the media (internet, television and possibly DVDs) to bully one single, defenseless, introverted loner all his life anyway? Since when is it accepted as ‘entertainment’ to try and drive a person to self destruction? What kind of example are you setting? You people claim to be against “bullying”, yet you’ve been unloading on me longer than most people would even be willing to believe. The modern media machine is a most imposing and intimidating adversary, especially when used against an individual without the connections or financial resources to defend himself. Do you seriously mean for us to believe you can’t possibly find a more productive use for not only the internet, but television as well? These people are supposedly educated so they really should know better than to be behaving like a bunch of demented children with too much power. These sociopaths clearly don’t understand ethics or know how to act responsibly. These are not the kind of people who should even be allowed to work in the media.
I really shouldn’t need to remind you all how poorly this reflects on your community too. That should be obvious without my even having to go into how inappropriately many of you behave because of this crude propaganda, or all the bizarre, behind the scenes stuff that has been going on. Your allowing all this shows that you have no real idea what human rights are so it could be argued you don’t deserve them yourself.
It’s no wonder they never asked my permission to use me on their fucked up show. I’d never have given it. Believe me, I don’t like living like this. I hate even leaving the house anymore, and I’m always apprehensive about the future. All you people who think I’m just ‘doing it wrong’, or that it’s just my own ‘bad attitude’ that’s holding me down are full of shit and don’t know what the fuck you’re even talking about. Unless you’re actually suggesting that I surrender all my individuality and just go along with the crowd and think and act the same as the lowest common denominator, because that’s the only way I’d be able to avoid the ill will of the cathode ray hypnotized public. Even then I know from what I’ve heard on this show that they’d lie and imply scandalous things about me just to keep the public’s interest up because, lets face it, if I never got caught up in any kind of controversy the public would lose interest in their show pretty fast. It’s the very nature of this business, at least these days. Today’s public doesn’t enjoy watching some bland, ‘normal’, even tempered guy just staying out of trouble and leading a contented life. The 1950’s are over people. No, they want to see fiery car crashes, suffering and mayhem, this is why it’s as immoral as hell to go around making unsuspecting people into walking TV shows.
I apologize for shifting gears here, but I just want to take a break and share a very strange dream I had last night. The whole thing was rather unusual, and, though of course I can’t remember most of it I found one of the parts I can vaguely remember somewhat disturbing. I was with an attractive young lady and there was a lot of “heavy petting” going on, but the groping and dry humping somehow morphed into my being vigorously “rubbed” all over. It was dark and I got the impression I was trying to anoint myself all over with some kind of liniment, only I wasn’t really doing it, someone else was, someone of gigantic proportions. They were rubbing something all over me and were being careful not to miss anyplace so they were doing it in sections. The whole dream was very weird. A few nights previous, or maybe it was just the night before, I kept having this abstract dream where I’m working my way down a calendar, or kind of like moving a game piece down a game board, only it was vertical, but something kept coming down to block me on the last square. I was kept from completing the sequence all the way to the end. Normally I’d just consider these types of dreams incomplete or useless bits of nocturnal nonsense, but in light of all that’s been going on and my recent revelations I can’t help but feel there’s something sinister implied here.
Other than that everything is relatively fine and peaceful right now, but I can’t help feeling there may be, as usual, trouble brewing underneath of it all. I think it has to do with the symbolism involved because I’ve noticed that they always try to uproot me and cast me out whenever their’s renovations to be done wherever I’m staying. That was Dana’s official explanation, “renovations”, the one she gave me and the social workers at least, that time she kicked me out when I couldn’t find anywhere else to go back in 2007, they attempted it again in 2012 when they were getting ready to refurbish the welfare hotel in Oakland. Fortunately it didn’t work that time because they didn’t have a real reason for evicting me and I know my rights. The same excuse for displacing or trying to displace me had been used at least two other times that I can now recall. This is a constantly reoccurring theme so the coming renovations of my present home are bound to be a very dangerous time for me. I need to stay alert and focus on what’s important. They already tried to kick me out once due to Karen’s accumulating a huge mound of trash bags in our patio. Fortunately she appreciated the magnitude of the situation she had created and actually got rid of them in a timely fashion. I was very impressed that she had the inner resolve to do what needed to be done in that emergency. Her OCD causes her to attach an abnormal amount of importance to clutter other people would just throw out as a matter of course. It’s always nice when people can surprise you in a positive way, the opposite is all too often the case.
Despite my feeling overall tired and sick a certain amount of positive animal spirits are managing to bubble up to the surface so I’m feeling mostly optimistic right now. I’m thinking I must be due a substantial payday for all this because otherwise why have they been trying to get me to kill myself all these years? They’ve been turning the world against me since I was a child, made my life miserable and have even gone through a lot of trouble, on several occasions, to not only get me into controversy and trouble of various kinds, but to get me involved in dangerous drugs, and this campaign of theirs has intensified to a near fever pitch during the past twenty years. They clearly want to truncate my existence. Despite making tons of money off me they feel threatened by my staying alive too long. I take this to mean that they are afraid of having to deal with their former victim in the future when he may no longer be so defenseless. It’s much more than their being just too cheap and not wanting to pay me. I know that if I were gone they would just have to give any money they might owe me to someone else but I think whoever got it would just be happy to have it and wouldn’t bother going after them for all the slimy, underhanded things they’ve been doing to me behind the scenes all these years, or even potentially embarrass them by mentioning any of it to the press, assuming they’d even know anything about it. I’m not sure whether my optimism is helping me see things more clearly or whether it is just making me more delusional, but that’s what I’m thinking right now.
They must be making good money off this show because they keep this thing going despite the fact I am now getting older and therefore am fast becoming relatively boring to most of the demographic they are trying to appeal too. I think it would be beyond the craft and trickery of even these shysters to make me as entertaining, or even as interesting to spy on as I may have been when I was young, fresh and spry. Despite this they keep this thing rolling along even though they can’t have possibly captured any intriguing footage for it for years now. I can only imagine they must keep rehashing the same old stories and segments over and over again. Since I have robbed them of their grand finale this show is bound to run out of steam and die a natural death soon enough and I am very grateful that I will outlive it despite the fact they have been working very hard trying to ensure it would outlive me.
Being clever enough to figure out what people are doing to you isn’t a blessing, however, if you find you are powerless to stop it. Being aware of how you are being murdered certainly doesn’t make the experience any less unpleasant. I know they’ll try magic, psychology. the media, their money, whatever they have I can expect them to throw it at me. The only things I have in my favor is that they have to be subtle, and they prefer that anything bad that happens to me appears to be completely my own fault, and, of course, the fact that I know what they’re up to can give me strategic advantages if I know how to act on that knowledge. It can also be an enormous help if I can effectively communicate it to the public because they prefer sneaking around and working in secrecy so they don’t like people knowing what they are up to. I was dwelling in ignorance of what they were doing to me for years and they exercised almost complete control over me so naturally my life was very disappointing and difficult. Even though I now know what I know it still is, but I’m very thankful I figured the game out before the end so I have a chance of coming out of this alright.
I may add a little bit to this post later but I have something different in store for my next post, some new information and how it fits in with the big picture so I’ll see you all again in a few days.