I feel I need to update this thing so just a quick one off the top of my head today. I recently got on a 3-D kick. I guess it started with that book on 3-D comics I got a couple months ago. Then I bought one of those old GAF View Masters and some reels of old Civil War photographs in 3-D. Those were pretty cool, but my big complaint was that the pictures were so tiny. Granted, they have a lot of detail but I guess my eyes aren’t as good as they were when I was eight years old so I was unable to appreciate a lot of that detail. Since I was on a serious 3-D kick I decided to go all the way and bought one of those old stereoscopes on Ebay and some cards for it. The stereoscope I bought is actually in very good shape, I think it was made in 1903, and the cards I got were pictures of the immediate aftermath of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. The quality of the printing isn’t all that great though, they look like grainy black and white xeroxes, but the 3-D is amazing. Now I want to get more cards. They sell them on Ebay. They used to sell sets of them out of the old Sears and Robuck catalog, and you can still buy old sets of travel photos from European cities and even more exotic places that they offered pretty cheap over the internet, though I prefer stuff with lots of people, animals and situations, not just pictures of buildings. Oh well, it will have to wait since I’m already out of spending money for this month. I had to stay at a swanky hotel last week so I’m tapped out for now. That’s a long story and maybe I’ll talk about it sometime, but since I’m getting sleepy I’ll just copy and paste part of something I started working on while I was in the hotel:
I realize the scope of my situation is beyond the ability of most people to imagine or sympathize with. It is genuinely unbelievable. I can hardly get over the fact that I’ve been living in the eye of a hurricane all my life and never even knew it. Actually I knew something very strange and unusual has always been going on but I was never quite able to nail down exactly what it was.
The way I see it, despite how they got a hold of me, they knew they had absolute power and control over my life once they got me. At first they contented themselves with getting everyone to just think I was weird or crazy. They made a big deal out of my pictures to enforce that perception. Those pictures were never proof of anything though since I was trying intentionally to draw ‘weird’ pictures. If they were perceived as weird that only proved that I was successful in my mission, not that I was a latent serial killer or something. What did they mean by all this? Were they trying to promote normalcy or weirdness? I don’t know, but I’m sure I inadvertently inspired a lot of people to ruin their lives by pursuing art. Anyway, this aspect of it would no longer work once I finished high school and people could see that I was not able to secure a living by my work. But why couldn’t I? I was well known, so, of course, my work was well known as well. Maybe so, but obviously I could never be allowed to be financially independent since they were making such good money off me. Keeping me ‘poor’ ensured that they always had absolute control over me. They felt they needed to completely control me since I was a reliable resource that generated so much money for them. My poverty and their lies were a lethal combination which made me both their slave and cash cow. The fact that after the hospital staff majorly fucked me up through their crass negligence back in 1996 when I had that accident yet no lawyer would even talk to me about the case seems very unusual until we take this into consideration.
I’m also starting to strongly suspect they have been using the occult to control me too. I don’t want to go on about that since I know it’s controversial, but I know for a fact a lot of people involved in this show, and the media in general, are Satanists. Also a lot of people who watch this thing are into witchcraft, voodoo, Kabbalah and all that sort of thing. Look through the Satanic Bible, it tells you how to do a lot of these spells and curses, and there are many instructional videos about this sort of thing on Youtube too. I find it hard to believe so many people would be wasting all thier time on this sort of thing if there were nothing to it. Somehow I doubt their magick would have had much effect on me if they only started cursing me now, but since they started all this when I was nine years old (possibly earlier) they could have developed quite a hold on me by now. Since all this kind of stuff wreaks of evil and damnation I’m chary of looking too deep into it, but because of some of the people they have involved me with and all the strange things I’ve experienced over the years I am inclined to believe there is more than a particle of truth to it all. In recent years I seem to have managed to struggle my way out from under many of their hexes, but I know I’m not completely free. Since they have been doing these things to me for nearly half a fucking century you know it can’t be an easy task getting completely out from under it, but I think I’ve done a remarkable job considering I’ve had to do it all entirely alone.
I have some reoccurring dreams I never talk about because they are so profoundly disturbing, at least to me. For instance I’ll feel like I’m trapped and tied up somewhere and some people are coming to torture and kill me, but I cant get away. Its hopeless and I am made to understand that the only reason I was even born in the fist place was to be humiliated and destroyed by these people. They own me, like I’m an animal awaiting slaughter. I’ve felt this rather intensely on drugs a few times too and its how I feel whenever I get depressed. Its a very miserable feeling, like I’ve been tarred with all the crimes of humanity and hate myself so much that even death can not end my suffering. Knowing what I now know I think what I’ve been picking up on are all those Satanists in San Francisco cursing me. These are very, very evil people, don’t believe their bullshit.
I find the way this show goes on and on saying that there’s something wrong with me most interesting. Well, lets see, ever since I was a child they have been sneaking around spying on me, they had everyone I know lying to me to cover for them, all my most intimate friends have actually been agents of theirs who report back to them, and they have been pulling strings behind the scenes in my life to make trouble for me since the 1970’s, gee, why wouldn’t I be totally fucking normal? All things considered I could very well have turned out much, much worse than I did, and I’m certainly nowhere near as bad as they try to make me out to be. Actually examining the evidence proves that there is much more wrong with them than there is me. Of course they are going to ignore and gloss over all the myriad ways they have been violating me to make this show of theirs, and people never like to admit they have done wrong same as most people never like to admit they have been fooled. I mean, come on, they’ve had fucking cameras hidden in my bedroom since I was a kid for chissakes and you allow this shit? Seriously, WTF?
A lot of the losers I used to do drugs with were looking forward to the day when this charade will finally be over and I would be confronted with all my alleged crimes. What they didn’t know was that I was looking forward to that day much more intensely than they EVER could. I’d love nothing more than for the secrets of everyone involved to finally be out in the open so that everything they have been doing to me would finally be exposed to scrutiny. For this reason alone I doubt that day will ever come because thats the last thing they want. I suppose if it was part of the initial agreement they signed when they were first granted permission to go on with this travesty it’s inevitable that it will happen someday assuming I’m alive when the date finally comes. This would be a big part of the reason why they have been using their criminal show to try and make me suicidally depressed all these years.
We live in a society where the media energetically promotes a victim culture. Since it’s a fact that not everyone can be a winner this is an effective way to further fragment society. I am the ultimate victim yet my victimhood is not promoted. This is because I am being victimized by the media itself. Those cowards don’t have the backbone to even confront me with any of their accusations but I really shouldn’t be obligated to have to respond to anything they say even if they did since they are breaking the law by using the airwaves to defame me as they do. I never signed any paper with them and I’ve never even been a legitimate celebrity so there’s no way they have any kind of right to be doing this to me. I’ve never been paid so much as a cent by this production so clearly their slander is not only unethical and immoral it is illegal. I don’t know if they have promised the public to compensate me, likely they have, but even if they did I don’t know that since no one has told me anything about it. No one has ever offered to pay me for any of this, so as far as I know this is all just an evil plot to snuff me in one of the most sadistic ways imaginable. Murdering someone in cold blood is obviously a very heinous and evil crime, but actually trying to drive a person to murder themselves is the most sickeningly sadistic thing anyone can do. Can you even imagine the kind of anguish that would be required to make a person believe that destroying himself is infinitely preferable to enduring it? Anyone who would do that to someone else is less than shit in my opinion and if you don’t agree there is something very wrong with you.
SAYING the money they generate is for charity obviously doesn’t make this kind of idiotic libel acceptable. Are we to seriously believe there is no other way available to raise money that doesn’t involve tormenting someone? This situation has been set up this way solely to ensure no one spills the beans. It’s just a fiendishly devious way that insures they can openly gossip about me behind my back to the whole world uninterrupted since everyone is too afraid to inform me of what’s going on because they’d be ostracized by the community if they did. Falling for this and allowing this outrage to go on is very foolish in the long run. I’m amazed that it never occurs to any of you that since they have been watching every God damned little thing I’ve done all my life that they can just as easily do the same to any of you. In fact I’m sure they are doing just that right now. Also it’s foolish to take comfort in the fact that you don’t feel you are doing anything wrong so you have nothing to worry about. Laws can be changed and very quickly. Also keep in mind I’m not doing anything illegal, except when I was doing drugs, and it was they themselves who were behind initiating that.
I’m just trying to get through my life but this insane TV thing and it’s companion website have been making that almost impossible and my life has been unreasonably difficult since I can remember. Its always made things hard for me, but it has gotten so bad by now that I can’t even get or hold a job. I don’t even have any kind of social life anymore. I get so uncomfortable when I go out in public because of it that I only leave the house these days to shop for food or keep medical appointments. I really shouldn’t have to live like this. Its totally illegal to be doing this to anybody so why is this even being allowed? Just because they use all their tricks to get you all worked up emotionally against me doesn’t mean what they are doing to me is justified, or is in any way moral or ethical because it isn’t. If there is something wrong with someone I would think we’re obligated to help or rehabilitate them, not try to get them to commit suicide. Of course the only thing really wrong with me is that I got involved somehow with these hateful media troublemakers.
I can’t even get any help with the mental anguish this ongoing harassment creates because everyone everywhere is in on it. For years I was seeing some psychiatrist in Berkeley named Dr. Tower. That deluded fool Dr. Tower used to tell me it was impossible that I was the subject of ongoing media defamation because it would be against the law. Reminded me of a joke actually: A guy calls 911 to say, “Help! I’m being murdered!” but the operator says, “That’s impossible sir. Murder is illegal”. This Dr. Tower was so gullible that he believed all the lies they said about me on that thing. Some of them were quite ridiculous. I find it interesting that he knew they were criminals because they were abusing the airwaves to slander me, which is unbelievably unethical and against the law, but it never occurred to him that these same criminals could be lying about me. He should have at least been intelligent enough to wonder why they have been after me since I was in the 4th grade. He was not only kind of simple, he had an evil streak as well. Not only was he cooperating with them by helping them broadcast my private sessions, once he showed me where in his office he kept a loaded hand gun. I spent a lot of time alone in that office. He knew how depressed I got so I think he was intentionally trying to tempt me to suicide. So much for caring mental health professionals. What an imbecile. Anyway, he’s dead now so I will say no more about him, though I do have a lot of interesting stories.
Of course I’m a pretty angry person. More accurately put, a part of me deep down is very angry since I’m usually a pretty happy person on the surface despite all the unjust punishment I am forced to endure. My fucking grandmother used to beat he living shit out of me growing up. She always used a length of stiff garden hose for this. That hurt like hell. If you don’t believe me go cut yourself a piece of stiff hose about a foot and a half to two feet long and smack yourself as hard as you can with it and tell me thats not extremely painful. I guarantee you’ll yell or make some kind of a noise when you do it. Since I suspect it was the way I talked back to my grandmother and grandfather that may have been the original “justification” for this evil show I suppose I’m obligated to offer a reason for all that and this is it. My grandmother was an extremely mad and vindictive woman. She harbored a lot of rage. She used to beat me for for the slightest of pretexts. It was a very terrifying and painful ordeal for me, I remember thinking how I wished I was anywhere else but where I was, even if it was the scariest place ever, while it was happening. Of course I was very vexed and resentful for years afterwards because of it. It left a very strong impression on me. I guess my grandfather could say he didn’t know what she was doing because she was smart enough to only beat me whenever he was at work. Still, since I was always covered head to foot in bruises that should have given it away (of course she would try to concentrate her efforts on my thighs and torso, but, of course, considering her frame of mind she wasn’t very exacting about it. I also always got my share of defensive welts on my arms). Even my fucking father, Mr. Oblivious, asked me why I had so many bruises and contusions all the time, but I knew better than to say anything. I don’t see how my grandfather could have missed such obvious evidence of abuse and I’m convinced he saw it, knew what it meant, and chose to ignore it. He didn’t like making waves and that’s, unfortunately, how he dealt with a lot of things. I was naturally upset with him about that. Plus, occasionally, when he lost his temper when dealing with me, he’d literally punch me out. He was a pretty big guy and I was a pretty skinny kid so you know that messed me up a bit. Unlike my grandmother I’m sure he held back a bit though otherwise he’d have easily killed me. Any younger people reading this may wonder why the school never got suspicious about my always being so banged up and why they never reported it to CPS, but back in those days people minded their own business. If they did notice I’m sure they just told themselves I was probably just very clumsy and dismissed it from their minds. They weren’t encouraged to be nosy about the students’ personal lives unless the students’ confided in them, and since I never fully trusted authority figures I never did.
You might assume I was beat because I talked back but this was not so, not initially at least. My grandmother started taking out her problems on me when I was around seven years old. Up till then we got along very well, but as it became increasingly obvious that my mother was an incurable drug addict she started beating me because I reminded her of my father who initially got her started on drugs in the first place. I eventually forgave them but it took me a while, not until I was in my 20’s. I never told anyone what was going on while it was happening though. I never carried tales so I kept my mouth shut. I guess I was wrong to talk back and do some of the things I did because you should always obey your parents no matter how psychotic they are, but I knew none of my friends were ever physically punished at all so I knew it wasn’t fair that I had to suffer the way I did. Anyway I’m sure God has forgiven me of all that so why can’t the rest of you people? I don’t think you will EVER tire of punishing me. I think you’re all very angry people and NEED to make someone suffer. You must think its therapeutic or something.
As I said I never talked about school at home so my grandparents didn’t even know what my psychopathic 5th grade teacher Ms. Schneiderman put me through until years after the fact (I’ll be talking about her a little later). I mean, they knew she tried to hold me back a grade, but that was only the culmination of an entire school year of vicious maltreatment which they never found out about till fifteen years later. They asked me why I didn’t tell them sooner. I guess I felt children were just below adults on the totem pole of life so there was just no use in snitching. Besides, I always had my life compartmentalized. I never discussed school at home or things that happened at home in school, so I guess you could say I was kind of secretive and considered my affairs private. I’ve always been rather shy as well. Thank God for this show and how it blabs all the details of my personal life all over the world whether they’re true or not! Anyway, always keep in mind, show business is all about illusions so basically its just a lot of lies.
One thing I find most interesting about all this is that the people behind this show, Dana Brownfield and all her colleagues, all come from well to do families where they were spoiled and coddled while growing up. They were all very privileged and had soft lives, certainly compared to me. It would seem that pampered and indulged people who have never really suffered have no real sympathy for those who do suffer, and this is why their twisted minds produce such incongruous paradoxes as charities that supposedly benefit the underprivileged and raise their funds by exploiting and further tormenting people who’ve already been distressed their whole lives. I guess they don’t care about the actual morality of any of their ventures as long as they get rich off of them.
As far as my family, we were not rich at all, but we very rarely suffered from serious want and privation. I understand my grandfather made a good living at Bendix in his capacity as a machinist, but we lived well below our means. He never frittered away his money like a lot of people did. We didn’t have a boat, a pool, a new car every few years, or any of the latest fads like video games and all the latest toys, or even college tuition, hell, we didn’t even have air conditioning. We only had one little oscillating fan in the entire house and it got hot as f*ck in the San Fernando Valley. We never even took any vacations, except once back in the summer of 75 when we went out to the Mohave desert to look at a property he wanted to sell to help pay for one of my mother’s stints in rehab. We never spent money on luxuries, all his extra money went into investments like coins and desert real estate, so we never lived extravagant. Not in any sense of the word. The last word I’d use to describe us would be “spoiled”.
So I had all that, and more, to deal with growing up and as soon as I grew up I noticed everybody, without exception, friends, family, bosses, coworkers, cops, doctors, everybody, were constantly lying to me. Also, friends and family were constantly pushing my buttons and doing things to intentionally irritate me and create drama. Strange things were always happening to me and I was constantly noticing weird stuff all the time. I knew something frighteningly strange was going on, but whenever I asked questions I was lied to, and it was obvious they were lying. So you can plainly see that all my life I’ve been being relentlessly agitated and unjustly punished.
I was constantly provoked to create dramatic footage and recordings for that show. There was an episode of “King of the Hill” where some Hollywood guys were doing a reality show about Hank’s brother or cousin who was a famous race car driver. He visited Hank’s family and the director thought it was funny whenever Hank lost his temper so the whole time the crew was there filming the show they were constantly pissing Hank off on purpose to record it for the show. I also remember an episode of “the Simpsons” when someone saw a video Bart made showing Homer blowing his top and they encouraged him to make a series out of it called “Angry Dad”. Despite what you may think the media isn’t really very creative at all and I assure you they’re not making this shit up, it’s what they actually do. So called “Reality shows” are just as scripted as anything else you see on television. Everything you see on television is crafted to control what you think and how you act so its all fake as fuck. All my life my friends, girlfriends and even family have been deliberately saying and doing things calculated to upset me just for the sake of that God damned fucking television show. That’s just how show business works people.
I’ve mentioned several times how that show seems to powerfully agitate weak minded individuals and I think Ms. Schneiderman was an early example of this. Everybody loved me in elementary school. Sure, a lot of people thought I was weird, likely because of that illegal broadcast, but they also thought I was smart and funny so things weren’t bad, until, that is, I started 5th grade and had the misfortune to be placed under a teacher with obvious mental problems. She made that year hell for me. Aside from all the daily abuse and insults she always heaped on me she used to tell the other kids to stay away from me because I was “crazy”. They of course told me all this because they liked me anyway. Then she went on a kick where she was trying to convince the school I was retarded or something, so they gave me a whole battery of tests. She was very upset when the results came back telling her that I wasn’t only quite clever for my age, but creative as well. Then she waited till the end of the school year to inform my grandparents I had flunked and would have to be held back a grade. Well this trick didn’t work because if a child is failing you have to inform the parents or guardians as soon as problems appear so they can help the child get his grades back up. In short, 5th grade was a foretaste of what these media people had in store for me during my adult life. I am sure she was influenced by that show. There is also a strange element about this show and the people that make it that may shed light on a lot of this kind of thing but it may be more politic for me to ignore it as I know that if I point it out it will only be used against me. I know this may sound strange, but the world is ran by sociopaths so life is full of strange contradictions.
Anyway this bitch was a complete psycho. She even got my phone number and called to harass me on the phone nearly twenty years later. She’s a complete lunatic and really shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near kids at all.
This show started getting particularly nasty once I started high school. High school is hard enough for most kids, but because of that damned show it was especially uncomfortable for me. As if that wasn’t bad enough, in the late 80’s, when Dana Brownfield took it over (she finished college in the mid eighties) she kept using it to get me involved with hard drugs. Although my life was miserable and had been since my teens I never actively sought out hard drugs, but that cunt Brownfield kindly brought them directly into my life through people she employed to get involved with me and deposited them right under my nose. They initially got me mixed up with cocaine through Roger Jesness back in the late 80’s but it wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started having problems because thats when they got me involved with heroin. People not only do a lot of crazy things when they’re on drugs, they also get kind of emotional and, hence, are easier to control.
Despite the fact they were tormenting me emotionally while putting me in contact with drugs through their agents I know that ultimately it was my own fault for taking the bait. Keep in mind though that once I figured out that it was them who were not only ruining my life, but got me involved with all that self destructive stuff (and the Bay area community did everything they could to keep me from getting off of it) that I stopped, and I stopped ALL of it alone and with minimal help. Certainly no help from professionals or twelve step programs. I’ve even quit smoking and eating fast food, so clearly I take responsibility for my own actions, unlike a lot of people who compulsively watch that show. I know for a fact a lot misfits watch this show so they can at least feel superior to SOMEONE, and this explains a lot of why they have gotten into the habit over the years of being so harsh and merciless in how they portray me. Personally I feel it would be more productive to broadcast stuff that inspired people to try and actually better themselves than to simply trash someone so they can enjoy the delusion that they are at least “better than them”. Am I the only person who finds their approach to all this more than a little tacky? Evidently I am.
I call a lot of what this show has done to me “emotional terrorism”. They often use fear to manipulate me and I know they work to get intense emotional responses out of me on this thing so I’ve had to toughen up over the years because, well, fuck what they want. For instance my fucking bitch of a sister wouldn’t let me go out to visit my grandfather when it became obvious that he didn’t have long to go but the family tried very hard to get me to go to his funeral after he was gone, even offering to pay for my travel expenses out there. Fuck that. They wouldn’t let me see him while he was still alive so why the hell should I want to look at his embalmed corpse after he’s dead? No thanks. I think they were only hoping to get footage of me crying like a little bitch anyway. What a bunch of sick fucks, and my family cooperates with these creeps? Humanity in general has turned out to be one huge disappointment to me.
This show and the people behind it have been vampirically feeding off me since I was a kid. They must be making very good money off of it considering it’s been going strong since the seventies and it employs so many people. This is another reason why they kept trying to lure me up here for all those years, I suppose it makes sense to want your food source close to you. Also, since it is human nature to hate those we have wronged I suppose in that light their never ending slander and vilification makes sense. Also all that defamation they heap on me shields them from blame for the wrongs they are constantly doing to me. Like that time I ended up on the street back in 2007. People would see me and I’m sure they thought I was a fuck up getting my just deserts so it never occurred to anyone that my being homeless was the direct result of a plan that had been in motion for at least ten years by that point. A plan masterminded by Dana Brownfield who has been the director of that criminal television show since the late eighties. I should make a post devoted to this just that so I can link to it whenever I bring it up.
This thing has been getting particularly brutal lately. I think it’s because now I’m getting on in years and they think they are finally done with me and they just want to get rid of me. They are hoping to make the world such a hostile place for me that I’ll do them the favor of offing myself. I’m sure they got me into drugs because they were counting on me to kindly overdose for them. They knew my parents were hard into drugs and Dana has been going through a lot of trouble to make sure I got involved with them too. I also have no doubt she felt my mother’s suicide boded well for her nefarious plan. Once I’m out of the way they can really go nuts with this junk. Dana can openly sell all the art she’s stolen from me over the years at auction and they can make a motion picture about me where they can perpetuate all the lies they’ve concocted about me on the series as well as really capitalize on all the mischief they’ve gotten me into over the years. After all, these people are exploiters. It’s just what they fucking do.
I get the impression, based on random things that have been said to me over the years, that these media hacks promote the fallacy that I am a very evil person and that they are actually performing a sort of public service by persecuting me and keeping me poor and powerless. How very fortuitous then that they just happened to have been keeping such a close eye on me since the age of nine! Also how very perceptive of them to predict I would grow up to be such a wicked person! Some may think it’s much more likely that all that talk of me being evil is just a lot of hype invented by these prevaricators after the fact to justify their sadistic persecution of an innocent person, but they’re just not true believers so we shouldn’t listen to them. And it’s not like their decades of ever intensifying harassment and persecution could possibly make anyone behave unpleasantly, is it? Of course not. Don’t be silly.
This whole situation is creepy and tiresome and it has already gone on way too long. I sometimes suspect they are trying to accuse me of some kind of criminal activity. They may even use that explanation to justify the harassment I’ve been suffering at their hands. If so I would tell them if they have anything on me just go to the police. Taking the law into your own hands so you can mete out cruel and unusual punishment (which all of this has certainly been) is against the law and unconstitutional. In fact I’m pretty sure what they have been doing constitutes a felony and they could go to prison for it. At least they would if the world wasn’t in the hands of misanthropes and there were any justice in the world worthy of the name. Anyway this is weird because I think ten years ago they were trying to frame me for some sick shit. Some of my clothes disappeared while I was living with Dana and as I was leaving the hospital around that time they had mixed some children’s clothes in with the clothes I had brought there with me. When I pointed this out to them they seemed to tense up and told me it was just an honest mistake and not to get so excited, which was odd because I wasn’t excited at all, in fact I was very calm when I pointed it out. This leads me to believe they were nervous because they were trying to do something they knew was wrong. Of course it’s also possible that no one was trying to frame me and that Dana, the show, as well as the San Francisco community, were just messing with me mentally. After all, they started waging psychological warfare against me years ago and they frequently do these kinds of things to me trying to spook me and freak me out. They have, in the past, successfully scared me into doing a lot of things I regretted later. I’ve learned since and always try to maintain a placid frame of mind despite all the evil nonsense they are always throwing at me.
I find it interesting that we live in an age where we are supposed to collectively take responsibility for the actions of all the malcontents and criminals in our midst and treat them with understanding indulgence yet you are all directly responsible for everything I’ve done by allowing a television show that has intentionally been alienating me from society since 1973 or 4 to air and I am automatically and roundly condemned for anything they accuse me of. They haven’t even the decency to confront me with any of their nonsense so you don’t have to be a lawyer to see how I’ve been getting the proverbial shaft since I was a little kid. You people are like some kind of Pavlovian dogs trained to snarl at whoever you are told to. The only time, to my knowledge, that they have said anything nice about me was when they were talking about my art and I think thats only because they’ve stolen so much of it from me over the years that they want to artificially inflate its value so they can make a lot of money off of it selling it after they’ve successfully murdered me.
Also, keep in mind, if I’ve ever held any unconventional opinions that may bother you I would remind you that they have had complete control over my social life almost since I could talk so guess who would have put those ideas in my head in the first place? Don’t think too hard.
Anyway I like the morality and ethics of this fucking community. They’ll try to get me into legal trouble, they’ll try to get me fired from my jobs or evicted from my home, but God forbid they tell me the fucking truth being that I’ve been being ruthlessly exploited by fucking rich assholes working in media nearly my entire life. Nice work guys.
I know that they will make fun of this post and that criminal show and repost it exposing it to ridicule on their secret website but ask yourself if you really feel it’s right to treat someone like that behind their back all their life, and on such a massive scale, while lying to them about it. I’m sure they’ll give you a hundred reasons why it’s justified but the fact is they’ve never had the moral high ground or they would have confronted me, or at least submit any grievances against me they feel they have through proper and recognized channels, but I guess there’s just no money in doing that. Plus they have been enjoying subjecting me to constant psychological torture since I was small. They are sick bastards and will say anything to protect their ability to continue getting whatever perverted thrills they have grown accustomed too.
Oh, and I may as well tell you about my stay at the Marriott in Pleasant Hill California last week. I had to stay at a hotel for a week as they were refurbishing my apartment. It was actually pretty uneventful. As usual I brought plenty of books to read but instead wasted nearly all my time online browsing the internet and watching videos on Youtube. I couldn’t prepare my own food, of course, so I ate at local restaurants like Boston Market, Nations and Zacharies pizza the whole time. They were friendly as always at Zacharies, not so much at Boston Market, and the morning crew at the Nations/Giant Burger on Contra Costa Blvd. were downright bitches. They were very unprofessional and rude to me. I ordered Chili Cheese Fries once for breakfast and they gave me less than half the usual amount. The only reason I didn’t complain was because that kind of food is so bad for you that I figured they were actually unintentionally doing me a favor by shorting me like that. The owner is a very nice woman and I’m sure I could get those harpies in big trouble if I reported them, but I hardly eat out anymore so it hardly seems it would be worth the effort to make a big deal out of it. The only reason I was eating out then was because, like I said, my room didn’t have a kitchen or microwave.
PART TWO: Life is okay and Jesus is just alright:
I wonder what the heck the are saying about me now on that damned thing?! I’ve had 22 hits on my journal so far today and traffic only picks up like that when they are saying bad things about me. Considering the audience they go after that’s not at all surprising.
The question I’ve always had about this thing, which has yet to be answered, is why anyone should be at all concerned about my personal business? Whether or not any of the things they say are true or not doesn’t even enter into it, I’m not a public figure so its harassment that I’m being discussed at all on the public airwaves. If someone has a controversial conversation with you and tapes it without your knowledge and permission, then turns around and broadcasts it on the TV or radio and you lose your job because of it you can sue for millions, yet they’ve been doing this to me daily for decades and no lawyer will even talk to me. Clearly I’m not being dealt with fairly. I’ve always been a private person who spends most of his time alone at home yet my personal business is spied upon then distorted and publicized through the public media and broadcast all over the world. I just can’t believe this. I never wanted to be featured in the media and no one has ever informed me I was- this whole situation is plainly criminal and creates thousands of problems for me which I am not compensated for, yet, despite my having been crassly victimized by wealthy people working in television I am forever being punished for something I never even wanted anything to do with in the first place. WHY?! Can someone f*cking explain any of this to me? Why is this being allowed? Its not just unethical its a literal crime. Why isn’t Dana Brownfield and her cohorts in prison? I can’t even believe I should have to draw attention to all this, shouldn’t some kind of legal or media watchdog organization have called this situation into question at some point?
Of course I don’t watch TV and I can’t afford cable, plus everybody lies to me so I have no idea where it airs. I sent cease and desist orders to the studio where I believed it was made and broadcast from ten years ago but all they did was change the name of their organization and move rather than respect my wishes. I’ve looked everywhere but I can’t find any of the cameras or microphones I know are hidden throughout my home. Everybody knows they have been literally driving me crazy since I was a kid and intentionally f*cking up my life to make this stupid show of theirs more “interesting” but no one will do a damn thing to help me protect my rights. This flies in the face of everything I thought I knew about the law and how things run. I am forced to conclude that the world is in the hands of truly evil people. These people bulldoze over my rights yet I’m punished for it, it drives me mad and, goaded on by my fake friends who work for them, I do some crazy things and I get punished even more. Why the fuck am I always being punished? They’re breaking the law and violating my rights but not only are they not getting punished, they’re allowed to grow rich off of it. Everybody’s getting rich off me but me, in fact I’m more poor now than I’ve ever been before in my life because of this damned thing.
The very concept of doing a hidden camera show about an unwary individual that actually airs and it’s being made is a very flawed one. There is really no way it can enjoy any measure of popularity and not either terribly harm it’s subject or be found out. I believe that I’d have had to find out about it early on to put a stop to it, though, so I’d have been very young when that was even possible. Since it didn’t start getting unendurably bad for me until high school I didn’t really notice it before. Once it became an established money maker for these people they were, naturally, doing everything they could to protect it. It was around then, I believe, when I was in high school or right after I graduated that they started surrounding me with a buffer of their own people who they actually paid to keep an eye on me to make sure I never caught on as well as to insulate me from the public. I imagine that if I had one real friend or lover they’d have been tempted to at least warn me about the situation I was in. Only one person, apparently, cared about me enough to drop me a hint. I only heard a little bit of what this woman said about me on that show, but evidently she must have actually liked me since she basically told me what was going on even though later, concerned she may get in trouble over it, she told me she was only kidding about what she said. Anyway I’m wandering off topic.
Although this show has intentionally devolved in recent years to be as creepy as possible I find it still creepier yet. They have pictures and footage of both me and my work, have people talk about me and claim to share my history but they never actually talk to me on this thing. I find this most unsettling as it reminds me of one of those posthumous tribute shows such as they air about celebrities after they have died. Considering how many of the people who work on this thing are involved in the occult I strongly doubt this is accidental or unintentional. This is something they do when they want to make something true, they just pretend its already true. Based on what I’ve heard of this and how it makes the public behave towards me they obviously don’t hide the fact that they want me dead. Sick as it sounds I suspect they have offered to reward the public if anything very bad should happen to me. Again, this is not only sick as f*ck it’s against the law. The more I learn about this thing the more nauseating I find that is is. I don’t know who’s more sick, the sociopaths who make it or the deranged couch potatoes who watch it. Its truly an unbelievable situation. It gets even more psychopathic when you keep in mind that when they first came after me I was under ten years old. What is wrong with these people?
I’m sure inquiring minds want to know why I’m so “weird and angry”, but the truth is I’m not really. Occasionally I come off that way and that is what they love to focus on. Okay, given that I guess I must at least have a tendency in that direction, but where would I get it from? I mean, why would a person who grew up getting beat and psychologically abused by his guardians and literally cursed by evil people all his life while being savagely slandered by the fucking media even as his personal life has been both manipulated and sabotaged behind the scenes since he can remember not be overwhelmingly positive or friendly? Shit, if you can’t figure out why I may feel somewhat alienated by society and the world I think you need to wake up and start thinking outside the idiot box. Of course these media salamis never mention that end of it on their bullshit show, they’re not going to openly admit to using the media and every other weapon available to them to bully someone since they were a little kid already growing up in a dysfunctional home. Naturally they’e going to slant their narrative against their hapless victim if only to protect themselves.
They’ve been working hard to mold me into their villain for decades yet any changes they have successfully made to me are only on the surface. They’ve created something of a yin-yang dynamic here. I’m really a good person trying to survive in a hostile world and these Satanic people are largely responsible for what a fucked up world we live in and they have been trying to kill me for years now, yet they portray me as some kind of bad guy or threat while they wear a false facade of virtue and compassion. This way it seems they’ve imbued this situation with a dynamic tension. Funny, do you really think it’s appropriate behavior for supposedly virtuous people to be using every means at their disposal to kill an innocent and harmless person starting when he was nine years old? Well, they are Satanists after all and Satan is the father of all lies so I think it’s a given that we should at the very least doubt everything they say.
Also you have to ask why they’ve been after me making me miserable since I was a mere child. Honestly, the only thing I can think of is that there must be an occult reason having to do with either my astrology or numerology ( the numbers 33 and 13 show up frequently in my life, for instance), I mean, why else would they declare all out war against a child? You have to admit its a highly unusual situation. At least it would be if we were talking about anyone other than them. Of course it could also be these sociopaths just thought it would make a much more interesting TV show if they f*cked up my life as much as they could. That’s debatable, but given the kind of audience they’ve cultivated I guess it would create a much more loyal viewership. Like everything else there’s probably several reasons but I think it’s very likely the two I mentioned are a big part of it.
I’m convinced I’ve been rendered neutral by a binding spell. They, of course, have done this as a precaution for their own protection. From what I gather a spell like that is to render their victim docile and passive so he won’t fight back. This could explain why I have such a hard time motivating myself to do a lot of the things I need to be doing. I think they’ve gotten a little overzealous with it though and that may explain why I don’t even feel like drawing or doing anything at all creative any more. You have no idea how hard I have to push myself to even write these posts. Remember, I’ve proven to be a very valuable resource for these people so it makes sense they will do everything possible to control me as much as they can.
As I’ve shared several times before, as a child I used to have that fantasy of being on a secret television show and I always felt obligated to entertain my invisible audience. I seriously wonder if I was under their Satanic spell even then and that was just another way they were manipulating me. I was always drawing and joking for all the folks at home watching me, but it wasn’t till they got me on drugs that I was really in their power. You may have heard how they control big celebrities with drugs and the occult, well, they were doing the same to me only on a slightly smaller scale because they didn’t have the same freedom to do as they pleased with me because of all the cameras that always surround me. They had to do these things to me from afar and pull the strings of my life off camera. I admit I know very little about the supernatural and the casting of spells. I don’t understand how something like that works unless everybody is connected spiritually or psychically on some esoteric plane or dimension, but whatever the mechanics of it I know it does work because they have been using it to control me for years. I remember I’d get mad about being watched and put on a show by doing something antisocial or dishonest just to show the audience that I didn’t give a f*ck what they thought about me. It was my way of showing them I held them in contempt. I’ve done things like this a number of times. I now think it’s very possible I was just responding to a spell that had been put on me to get me to do those very things.
Even disregarding all the hoodoo sh*t they’ve been doing to me all this time just the fact they have been using the media to f*ck me up all my life is outrageous enough. I have a hard time believing any of this is actually happening to me. This nonsense should not be happening to anyone. Is all illegal and simply should not be allowed. It goes against everything this country stands for, or, at least, what it used to stand for at any rate. That this goes on and it’s accepted as business as usual proves to me that the world is presently in very evil hands. Its perverted and evil that everyone worships the media like they do these days, even supposed Christians. This is evidenced by the fact that whenever I announced my intention of visiting a church it was nearly empty the day I showed up. Clearly behavior like that runs contradictory to the teachings of Christ and it is certainly an indication that there is presently something very awry in the natural order of things. And it’s not just churches, but twelve step meetings, government agencies, you name it, nobody seems to have any ethics anymore. You people need to mend your ways or I guarantee you will all meet a very harsh and unenviable fate, and much sooner than you may think. You’re all building your houses on sand and worshiping false gods.
These shysters have been exhibiting me like some exotic animal in a cage nearly my entire life. They obviously have made a very good living doing so despite the immorality of exploiting someone in such a manner. They’ve not paid me a damned cent to date. Even the freaks back in the days of the circus sideshows used to make a very good living being exhibited to the public but these greedy bastards are content to let the tax payers pay my meager living expenses even as they live well off of me, vilifying and slandering me all the while. No wonder all this business is kept secret from me, it’s unjustifiable and they are obvious crooks.
I’m not as cynical as these programmers apparently are so I find it hard to believe that the audience hates the puppet even while thinking the puppeteer is a wonderful person. Have you ever seen that gag where a puppet insults someone in the audience and they, in a fit of rage, run up to the puppet and yell at it while choking and angrily shaking it? I thought that bit was hilarious when I first saw it as a kid, but I never had any idea that it would some day be the story of my life.
I can’t believe people watch this show at all, but obviously they do. In fact it seems like everyone watches it, and not just here in the Bay Area, but all over the world- if emails I’ve received and how people react to me on my travels are any indication. It really blows my mind, I’m the world’s most famous victim. I’m a victim of our evil media. I just can’t believe that the world is totally absorbed in me while I’m sitting in my room reading a book or digging through the closet looking for a clean pair of socks. Of course after I had first confirmed beyond a doubt exactly what is going on I intentionally stopped doing anything that could even remotely be considered watch-worthy. I guess I naively believed that if the show was painfully boring it would be canceled and I could eventually have something like a normal life. Actually I even find it hard to believe people watched it when all I did was do drugs, have sex (such as it was) and masturbate. How could anyone be at all interested in watching any of that? I guess maybe if you yourself never did drugs you could find it a little interesting to watch, but the sex and someone whacking off? I guess certain people may like joining in while watching, but I don’t imagine there would be enough of those to justify a worldwide broadcast. This voyeur culture the media has created for us is out of control.
Of course they play a lot of weird noises and provide a lot of critical narration and frequently cut to people (a lot of them I’ve never even seen before) who talk some ‘serious shit’ about me. I remember seeing a video on youtube a while ago, it was just five or six minutes showing a woman going through her purse but they played this creepy music over it. It made you think she was looking for a weapon or vial of poison, even though she was most likely looking for her lipstick or something equally innocuous. When I could hear this show when I lived in Oakland I noticed they use that trick to death. It’s a common brainwashing technique. They frequently play creepy music and annoying sounds over footage of me to condition you to hate me. But why is it so important to them that you hate me? I’m sure it’s the same reason why they have gotten me involved with dangerous drugs or why that have also used their own people posing as my friends to get me on the wrong side of controversial issues. I guess the question really should be, “Why was it so important to them to ruin my f*cking life?”.
I like to think I’m a fairly interesting person, but no way am I fascinating enough to have had my entire life broadcast over television. Of course these programmers have taken the liberty of compensating for my deficiency of not being extraordinary enough by using all their media’s tricks to imply that I’m actually much more sinister than one may assume based on my outward appearance. They love to claim that I’m full of “hate”, but they smear everyone they don’t like with that same brush and they do it to death. To claim I “hate” anyone is making a rather far fetched assumption, but they habitually make exaggerated claims in the media since it stirs up public interest. Also, when they accuse someone of being hateful they are clearly projecting a bit since they must hate humanity with a passion. Why else would they create so much chaos and turmoil in the world?
As I said, I don’t hate anyone. I don’t even hate people I have every reason and right to hate, like people that obviously hate me and have been working to destroy me all my life, people like the charlatans who make that damned show that has devastated my life and that fucking website where everyone goes to hate on and talk sh*t about me. I just want to be left the f*ck alone and I, of course, think I deserve compensation for having been slandered and kept in friendless poverty for most of my life as well as all the very real pain and suffering they have forced me to endure.
Since I’d be so boring to watch sometimes I wonder if I may be only one of many options available. Maybe they have other people they spy on for television but maybe these other people are given artificial advantages rather that hindrances like I’ve been. However, when I contemplate this possible scenario deeper I don’t think it would be possible. If they know anything about my situation it would be one of the first explanations that would occur to them once they start noticing strange things going on in their own lives. I guess we could all be kept secret from each other but that would involve a superhuman juggling act, and I think they’ve had their work cut out for them already by giving me the “mushroom treatment” (keeping me in the dark and feeding me bullshit) all my life. At any rate I think it’s safe to say they don’t have any problem messing up someone’s life or even killing them as long as they make money off of it and I happen to know for a fact that these people have built very cushy lives for themselves at my expense.
Whether or not there was anything occult going on or whether it was just the bizarre pressures this strange situation subjected me to, I did do a lot of strange things that were caught on camera, but you people have allowed these weirdos to hide cameras in my bedroom since I was a child so you don’t have a moral leg to stand on. Can any of you tell me why, then, you think you have a right to morally censure me for anything you think I did? But thats not what really upsets me, what really hurts me is that someone else took control of my life and wasted it for me. And Brownfield and all those people are needlessly cruel as hell. I literally feel like I’m in solitary confinement every single day of my life and the only person I have to talk to is a snitch, and I only speak to the snitch occasionally. Even the most sadistic and prolific serial killers aren’t punished this harshly and I’m not even a criminal. You may, like Dr. Tower did, think I am because maybe you’re kind of simple and believe all their slanderous bullsh*t, but I assure you I’m not. I’ve no criminal record. I bet a lot of you can’t say the same.
I put up my black out curtains again last night. I sometimes have a very hard time sleeping at night then I can’t nap in the day because there’s way too much light in here. I used some nice little clamps I bought at Safeway. The box they came in calls them “paperclips” but they don’t look like any paperclips I’ve ever seen but they work great for holding the curtains up! It was embarrassing how I held them up before with junk like books and old shoes, but the “curtain rod” or whatever it was that I hung the curtains from was shaped funny and that was the best way I could figure out to do it.
Since I don’t know anyone I can get mushrooms or LDS from I made some mescaline. I used San Pedro cactus and the alcohol extraction method. I don’t think I want to seriously trip though because I’m in such a negative space these days but I can try to boost my IQ by microdosing. We’ll see if that helps me with my drawing and writing.